It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely. (it's really just 2am)

This is not the first time I’ve moved away from home, strictly speaking. I did move to Tennessee for a few months in 2005. But this is the first time I’ve moved to a place where I had no one from my previous life. Of course, I moved here with Donna, and I have known her for a couple of years. But we don’t have a long history together. We don’t know how to read each other all the time, and we don’t have a perfect method of communication.

I also have Daniel. He is wonderful to me and always there when I need someone to talk to. But I feel a deep sadness. I wish I had a link to my life in Kentucky. Someone who knows me and understands me and sees things in a similar way. Donna’s different religious, philosophical, and world views are so different from my own that we don’t even make since to each other sometimes. My spiritual motivations do not make since to her. In face, they are down right ridiculous. Daniel respects my beliefs and is supportive of what I do, but we have different communication styles and sometimes it is a headache trying to understand each other.

So I feel all alone. Alone with my thoughts, my beliefs, my feelings. I have heard before that we all just want to be understood. And being in a place where I feel like no one understands me makes me appreciate that. Admittedly, I could do more to reach out. I am less in touch with friends since Lucy is in France. She is who I spoke to the most.

I guess I say all of this because I’m struggling with the inner solitude. I am reminded of my uncle Scott. I have been told that he uses his time alone in Saudi to really connect with God. I crave that so deeply, but struggle with finding a peaceful place to connect. I don’t really feel like I have my own space. I live in someone else’s house and my bedroom there isn’t exactly a sanctuary. Environment is so important to me. It can make the different of me feeling at peace or like I’m in hostile territory. Sometimes I’m just distracted.

I guess that’s enough of my rambling. I just needed to get that off my chest. I’m glad I got to spend the weekend in Kentucky, but I can’t WAIT until my long trip back in May. It will be such a refreshing retreat!

Misc. Thoughs for Today

What seems like a good blog topic at 7am, and what seems like a good blog topic when you're actually awake, are totally different.

This morning I woke up and thought that I should blog about how much they must love their pets here because there is an Animal Hospital on every block. Also, their are big semi trucks driving around with Pet Milk.

Of course Pet Milk is actually a brand of dairy for humans here, and not the lactose free milk you can buy for your cats. Just found that one out.

Yesterday I had a Pizza and Movie night with Daniel and his two kids. It reminds me of when my mom, Barry, Andrew, and I used to order pizza and watch a movie on a Friday night. Except I'm not the kid this time.

Tomorrow I'm going to try out yet another church. I have found one that I like, but it's in another town about 30 mins away and if I could find a decent one closer I would like that. The one tomorrow is called Cliffdale Community Church. Anything with "Community Church" in it's name is appealing to me. It has a website and advertises a casual atmosphere (I can wear jeans) and contemporary worship. I found it one day just driving down Cliffdale Road.

Every year since sometime in highschool I have given up something for lent. I am not catholic and to not believe that this practice is necessary, but it has been helpful in my life. I have found that going 40 days without a certain vice or habit usually breaks me of it entirely. Here are some things I've given up for lent:

Sour Cream
Chocolate
Straightening my hair
Baths

(just kidding about the baths)

I'm not sure what to give up this year, however, because I've given up so many things in my diet over the past year that I don't have much else left besides healthy food. I also am not sure I have any habits that would be hard to break. I'm not addicted to the internet and could go without it, but am not going to because I want to stay in contact with those far away. I don't watch much TV. I guess I could give up my boyfriend for 40 days?

Anyway, I will probably just stick with the rules I already have, but make sure I don't do any cheating. No meat, dairy, refined carbs, processed foods, etc. And NO CAFFEINE.

Trip to Kentucky

So on Saturday morning I woke up and decided to take a spontaneous trip back to Kentucky. I was sort of down and Donna and Amanda were out of town for the weekend, plus presidents day was Monday, so no class. So I got in my car and headed east!

I had many people I wanted to see in the short (two days) I would be there. This is basically what I did: I arrived at Grannie and Grandad's house around midnight Saturday night/Sunday morning. I snuck inside, wrote them a note telling them I was there (I didn't call ahead) and went to bed.

Sunday morning I woke up before they left for church and got to see them for a few minutes. They left for church, then Daniel arrived (see previous blog) and we went to Vineyard. I'm so glad he got to go to Vineyard. It is awesome and unlike any church that I've found yet in Fayetteville. We picked up Tom on the way to church because his car is in the shop. After church, we went to lunch. It was: Me, Daniel, Tom, Sarah Rini, Brandy, Wes, and Brandy's "friend" dropped by for a bit.

After lunch we went to Ben and Cristins house to SEE THEIR TWO DAY OLD BABY! So cute! Major incentive for coming back for the weekend. I got to visit with Cristin and analyze her breastfeeding (I need the practice). Then we drove to my moms house. She didn't know I was in town either, so I just walked in and said 'hey.' She and Mark visited with us for a while.

Then we met Grannie, Grandad, and Adam for dinner at Casa Fiesta. That was one of the places I wanted to be sure to go while home. Then we went back to G&G's and visited for a while before going to bed. Bruce came over for a bit.

Monday morning I woke up at 6:30. Not sure why. But Daniel hadn't gotten any sleep the night before so I let him sleep till 10ish. Then we went to Georgetown to pick up Jordyn. Oh, I miss her SO much in NC. We took her to Barnes and Noble and let her play in the kids section. My friend Cristina met us there with her 2 1/2 year old daughter, Ella, and we played and talked. Then Daniel, Jordyn, and I went to Chipotle for lunch (another place I wanted to hit while in town). Daniel had to leave around 2 so we all drove back to Richmond. Jordyn fell asleep in the car so I put her down for a nap and Daniel left. I tried to get a little nap, too.

When Jordyn woke up I got her ready, packed by bags, and headed back up to Georgetown to drop her off. Then I went back to Lexington to meet my small group (Amber, Brandy, Tiffany, Sarah Mendoza, and Julie) at Harry's. We ate and visited for about two hours. Then I headed to Cracker Barrel to get an audio-book for my long drive back. I got The Shack, which I've heard lots of good things about. Looking forward to listening. Now I'm on my way back (writing from a Starbucks) and should get there sometime in the early morning.

People I got to see while home:
Tom
Sarah Rini
Brandy
Justin and Erica
Ben and Cristin and Baby Asher
Grannie and Grandad
Mom and Mark
Jordyn
Christina and Ella
Amber
Tiffany
Julie
Sarah Mendoza

People I didn't have time to see but wish I had:
Mark Downing
Jeremiah

Lucy is in France and Ray is in D.C., so couldn't see them either.

I'm glad I made the trip. It was really worth getting to see everyone, though I wish I had more time with them all. Also really glad Daniel came and got to meet several friends and family. I'll be returning to KY on May 17 for about a 10 day trip.

Romantic Valentine's Update

February 14, 2008
It's nearly midnight. I've driven all day to get home to Kentucky because I'm sad and lonely and Donna and Amanda are out of town and I have nothing to do all weekend. The phone rings. It's Daniel. He says he's had a miserable day without me and being without me is far worse than the fear that he could get hurt again in the future. He says, that unless I tell him not to, he is going to get in his car and drive 9 hours to Kentucky so he can hug me and apologize.

He drives all night long and gets here the following morning. The most romantic gesture anyone has ever done for me? Perhaps.

Valentine's Day: A Personal History

February 14, 2009
Arrive home just before midnight (on Friday the 13th, oddly enough) after just breaking up with the boyfriend. Angry and sad.

February 12, 2009
Drove to Raleigh to celebrate an early Valentine's Day with dinner at The Melting Pot, etc. Got into a . . . spat? something on the way there. After arriving, boyfriend decides to turn around a come home because "the day is shot." Of course we resolved our issues a couple of hours later, but had nothing to do since we were no longer in Raleigh.

February 14, 2008
In Arizona at Yoga school. Engagement called off a month ago. Wedding was supposed to be in two days. Say picture of ex-fiance with another girl.

February 14th, 2007
Boyfriend gave me custom-made earrings. Two hours later we break up and he asks for them back so he can return them and get a refund.

February 14th, 2006
Boyfriend in training at Ft. Benning. He sends me roses and a necklace. Mark's fiance is in Afghanistan so we go to dinner since we are both without our significant other. Strictly platonic.

February 14th, 2005
I make a surprise indoor picnic of gourmet finger-foods to be waiting when boyfriend gets home. Boyfriends best friend calls me and tells me he is getting home early. I scramble to finish. When he isn't home an hour later I call the friend and he was just joking. The food is cold by the time boyfriend gets home.

February 13th, 2005
Boyfriend takes me to Lexington for Valentines Dinner. It is Sunday, so the restaurant he was planning on was closed. This hit a sore spot for him and made him feel like a failure so on the way to find another place to eat he drives badly, looses his temper, and we get into a fight. We finally find a place to eat.

February 14th, 2004
I go on a Valentine's "date" with Lucy. I buy her a flower and card and we go to Applebees. I think it was my treat. I was playing the part of the "guy" that day. Then I pick up my crush from work and take him a flower, too. 2004 crush is same as 2005 boyfriend. ;)

February 14th, 2003
Plan a lovely evening in Cincinnati with boyfriend. Reservations at Benihana, and tickets to the ballet. Adam makes me a lovely full length dress. Silk. Red and white. I forget the direction to the restaurant at home, so we try to print them out on the Rini's computer. It literally takes almost half an hour because it is so slow! We are late and miss our reservations. We walk around downtown looking for an alternate place to eat. We finally find one and order our food. It comes and then the fire alarm goes off. We all wait outside. It starts to rain. Finally, we are let back in. Food is cold but okay. We finish eating, but we've missed the ballet. We go home.

That concludes the history of valentine's days during my adult life.

Picture

These are the rules:
1. Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on the computer
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder
3. Explain the picture
4. Tag 4 people to do the same
5. No cheating (cropping, editing, etc.)

This picture was taken at something we called "The Progressive Dinner." Adam and Sarah and I met for drinks at Woody's in Richmond. Then we decided we wanted to go to Wendy's for baked potatoes. And then we went to Starbucks for after-dinner coffee.

This picture was taken because I had just gotten a new hair cut and wanted a picture to send to Lucy at college and Tinne in Belgium.

Tagging:

Erica

Tiffany

I don't think anyone else reads my blog AND has a blog but Lucy and she already did this.

Naturopathic Treatment Plan

In my last blog I mentioned that I have been going to a Naturopathic Doctor for treatment of PMDD (including depression). This is a summery of my Initial Treatment Plan. Most of these practices are healthy for anyone.

1. Improve sleep quality
· Caffeine elimination-also aids in estrogen and anxiety symptoms (No coffee, tea, or CHOCOLATE)
· Exercise-also improves mood and stamina (I must do daily cardio, increasing by ten minutes each week.)
· Nap elimination-also improves mood by reducing prolactin production.

2. Meditate Daily

3. Increase Vegetables, especially cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, brussel sprouts, cabbage, kale, etc) which will reduce your estrogen symptoms. Have one cruciferous vegetable per day. In addition, make a big vegetable soup and have a large bowl daily &/or a salad with dark leafy greens and other vegetables—choose dressing carefully (from a health food store or make your own).

4. Take 1 Tbsp. Fish Oil or Vegetarian Omega 369 Oil everyday with meal

5. Eletherococcus Solid Extract - take daily to ease caffein withdrawal and help in adrenal stress recovery.

I also have a blend of herbs and herbal tea that I am taking to ease my premenstrual symptoms, add nutrients, and aid in relaxation.

My Addiction

Since returning to North Carolina in January, I have been seeing a Naturopathic Doctor about treating my PMDD (Premenstrual Disphoric Disorder). I've been dealing with symptoms related to PMDD for years, some of which greatly affect my life and relationships. For those who are unfamiliar with PMDD, symptoms include:

Very depressed mood, feeling hopeless
Marked anxiety, tension, edginess
Sudden mood shifts (crying easily, extreme sensitivity)
Persistent, marked irritability, anger, increased conflicts
Loss of interest in usual activities (work, school, socializing, etc.)
Difficulty concentrating and staying focused
Fatigue, tiredness, loss of energy
Marked appetite change, overeating, food cravings
Insomnia (difficulty sleeping) or sleeping too much
Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
Physical symptoms such as weight gain, bloating, breast tenderness or swelling, headache, and muscle or joint aches and pains

After years of being on anti-depressants and Yaz, with only minor improvement, I decided to seek more help. I am a firm believer in natural medicine, so I drive to Raleigh to see my ND. She has given me a regiment to follow and believes it will make a marked improvement in my condition. Included in this regiment is abstanance from ALL CAFFEIN. This includes chocolate!!! At first, I was in disbelief. Then I was just depressed. Sound like the stages of grief? Anyway, she gave me a suppliment that would take the edge off of caffein withdrawal and give me some energy and told me to go COLD TURKEY. I took the weekend to get in my last mochas and sweet teas, then started on Monday.

And I did pretty good on Monday . . . then Tuesday rolls around and there was this chocolate doughnut. But it just had a little chocolate on the outside, so that didn't really count, right? And then, Thursday night, I was upset and just couldn't get to sleep. And I remembered these chocolate poptarts downstairs. And I just HAVE to have them to make me feel better and comfort me enough to get to sleep. I snuck downstairs at 2am, got the poptart, scarfed it down in bed, then hit the evidence and didn't tell anyone. Until now. So yeah, I have a problem.