Disclaimer: I wrote this last night and as you will see in the post I had reason to be a little scatter brained. I'm not going to go back and edit much so keep that in mind as you read.
Today I realized that I am sick.
I’ve been on some form of anti-depressants for the last six years. Before that, and in the periods that I was unable to take my medication, I suffered greatly from depression. I had all the classic symptoms. Sleep disturbances, no motivation, no interest in life, suicidal thoughts. Some would attribute these problems with my psychology. How I was raised, early childhood traumas, etc. Some would say that anti-depressants were there to make me functional, so that I could really get to the bottom of my issues with therapy and growth. But today I confirmed that my problems are largely physiological and cannot be dealt with from a purely psychological approach.
A little over a year ago I changed medications. I’ve done this a few times over the years. But the medication I take now works a little differently than others I’ve tried. I noticed a slight improvement with this new medicine, but nothing spectacular. Then, about six months ago, I began to be happy. Happiness, in my life, has been experienced momentarily, but never consistently. I usually just shot for not being miserable. Not wanting to die. But lately I’ve been happy. It’s an incredible feeling. I can find joy in everything. I have reasons to get up in the morning and I actually LIKE life. I don’t think I’m a good enough writer to express in words how this feels. It’s like . . . Waking up from a bad dream. No, it’s like being pulled out of the water and onto a beautiful shore, and suddenly you realize you had been drowning. Your reality changes and are in awe that most people have felt like this their whole lives.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m always euphoric or never sad. There have been some very sad things going on in my life lately. But they are just a part of the picture, not the whole.
Today things changed. I haven’t taken my medication for three or four days now. I can’t keep track exactly how long it’s been. But I have no insurance and my supply ran out. The medicine stays in your system for a while, but today at approximately 9:07 my world came crashing down. I had no more tolerance for my roommates dog and put it in it’s crate, I cried for most of three hours, I felt my rationality slipping from my mind. The thoughts I had, am having, are unhealthy and dangerous to myself. But in the midst of this collapse I had a flashback. A real one. And in my flashback I was a young child, between 3 and 5 based on where I was living at the time, and I was throwing my doll into the wall. The emotions were identical to what I’m feeling tonight. I felt the same way toward the dog as I felt toward my doll back then. I just couldn’t take any more and I lashed out, followed immediately by sobbing and a great sense of shame and remorse. I have more self-control now. I didn’t lash out at the dog. But the feelings that welled up inside of me were so identical that it brought back that memory.
I have realized for a long time that my feelings and behaviors as a child were not normal. But it wasn’t until today that those thoughts were utterly confirmed. Nothing too traumatic had yet happened when I was 3-5. Nothing, at least, to make me feel the same way I did tonight. The way I feel most of the time when I’m unmedicated. I am absolutely incensed at people who will not accept depression as a valid mental illness. Who think that you must just have “issues” that need to be resolved. I worked with a midwife who didn’t even believe in post-partum depression. A MIDWIFE!! She thought PPD was just a response to an overwhelmed new mother who wasn’t getting enough help from her partner. COME ON! There are hormones and brain chemistry at play here. But today I confirmed, at least to myself, that my problems are largely physiological. And that’s worth something to me. To know that I haven’t just been weak all of my life. But it’s also worth something to know that I will most likely always need medical help. Someday I may be able to manage my physiology with more natural methods, as I hope to, but it will always need to be managed.
I’m thankful that I was not born a few centuries, or even decades ago. I would have been institutionalized, given shock treatments, possibly even partially lobotomized. Or maybe they would have said I was possessed and killed me in the process of trying to rid my body of daemons, who knows. And for the women that those things happened to, I’m terribly sorry. Some of the treatment of the mentally ill is no less shameful than the treatment of holocaust prisoners. But we spare little memory for those victims.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
CNM vs. CPM
Many people may wonder WHY on EARTH I would choose to be a Certified Professional Midwife rather than a Certified Nurse-Midwife. After all, the benefits of being a CNM are great. You get a starting out salary of $90,000, it's easy to find work, you can write prescriptions and do hospital deliveries. So I'm going to discuss my decision with you.
In the last few months I have done a lot of networking on facebook with other people in the natural birth (global) community. One of the Midwives I have friended is Gloria Lemay. Most of you will not know who she is, but in the midwifery community she is quite acclaimed. She has probably the best midwifery blog out there and often writes for Midwifery Today magazine. It is from her that I get a lot of the articles that I re-post to my Butterfly Births page. In my autodidactical midwifery education I have read and seen many things, several of which were from Gloria, that convinced me that I did not want to be a CNM.
First of all, CNMs are not autonomous midwives. They can only be Registered in their state if they have a collaborating physician. It is possible, as in Donna's case, to fine a physician that will let you work autonomously while they sign the necessary papers and do the occasional referrals. But for the most part physicians are unaware that this is a possibility and they are concerned for liability. Most CNMs work as part of a Practice that is run by physicians. They must adhere to the guidelines of the practice. This means that if the Guidelines say that patients must be induced after 41 weeks, then the midwives must follow that standard. If a physician comes into the hospital and says to put the laboring woman on Continuous Fetal Monitoring, the Midwife must do that also. I want to be a Midwife so that women have the choice of a gentle and safe birth. I want to specifically get away from all of the trouble caused by the medical community and their interventions in labor and birth. This would be difficult, if not impossible, as a Certified Nurse-Midwife.
Also, CNM's must follow "Hospital Regulations." These vary from hospital to hospital, but I have encountered some that are truly atrocious in the Labor and Delivery ward. There is an Army hospital in Fayetteville, NC that requires CFM (continuous fetal monitoring). The hospital employs many CNMs but they practice more like physicians than midwives. CFM increases the rate of intervention and c-section drastically, without any improvement in outcome of mother or child. I would not like to be subject to such hospital regulations. Being a Doula in such an environment is hard enough.
Lastly, if you know me you know that I am not one to be subjected to the Man. I am free-thinking and opinionated. I will not forfeit my freedoms and will stand up for the rights of others. I believe that woman have the right to choose where and with whom they give birth. I believe that the modern American obstetrical system if greatly flawed. That is supported by the numbers. We rank lowest among developed nations in maternity care. We have the HIGHEST rate of maternal/newborn fatality in these nations. Croatia is a safer place to give birth that the U.S.!!! And this is due largely to our flawed medical system which is controlled by fear of litigation and drug companies. I could go on about this and other things that influence our horrid maternity care, but I wont. I just do not want to be a part of it! I want to make a difference and improve maternity care. I want my clients (not "patients") to have the best care for THEM, not the most convenient care for ME. I want to follow in the footsteps of The Netherlands; the homebirth capital of the world and one of the safest places to give birth due to their lack of unnecessary medical intervention.
Anyway, I hope you understand the logic and emotion behind my decision a little better. Comments are welcome.
In the last few months I have done a lot of networking on facebook with other people in the natural birth (global) community. One of the Midwives I have friended is Gloria Lemay. Most of you will not know who she is, but in the midwifery community she is quite acclaimed. She has probably the best midwifery blog out there and often writes for Midwifery Today magazine. It is from her that I get a lot of the articles that I re-post to my Butterfly Births page. In my autodidactical midwifery education I have read and seen many things, several of which were from Gloria, that convinced me that I did not want to be a CNM.
First of all, CNMs are not autonomous midwives. They can only be Registered in their state if they have a collaborating physician. It is possible, as in Donna's case, to fine a physician that will let you work autonomously while they sign the necessary papers and do the occasional referrals. But for the most part physicians are unaware that this is a possibility and they are concerned for liability. Most CNMs work as part of a Practice that is run by physicians. They must adhere to the guidelines of the practice. This means that if the Guidelines say that patients must be induced after 41 weeks, then the midwives must follow that standard. If a physician comes into the hospital and says to put the laboring woman on Continuous Fetal Monitoring, the Midwife must do that also. I want to be a Midwife so that women have the choice of a gentle and safe birth. I want to specifically get away from all of the trouble caused by the medical community and their interventions in labor and birth. This would be difficult, if not impossible, as a Certified Nurse-Midwife.
Also, CNM's must follow "Hospital Regulations." These vary from hospital to hospital, but I have encountered some that are truly atrocious in the Labor and Delivery ward. There is an Army hospital in Fayetteville, NC that requires CFM (continuous fetal monitoring). The hospital employs many CNMs but they practice more like physicians than midwives. CFM increases the rate of intervention and c-section drastically, without any improvement in outcome of mother or child. I would not like to be subject to such hospital regulations. Being a Doula in such an environment is hard enough.
Lastly, if you know me you know that I am not one to be subjected to the Man. I am free-thinking and opinionated. I will not forfeit my freedoms and will stand up for the rights of others. I believe that woman have the right to choose where and with whom they give birth. I believe that the modern American obstetrical system if greatly flawed. That is supported by the numbers. We rank lowest among developed nations in maternity care. We have the HIGHEST rate of maternal/newborn fatality in these nations. Croatia is a safer place to give birth that the U.S.!!! And this is due largely to our flawed medical system which is controlled by fear of litigation and drug companies. I could go on about this and other things that influence our horrid maternity care, but I wont. I just do not want to be a part of it! I want to make a difference and improve maternity care. I want my clients (not "patients") to have the best care for THEM, not the most convenient care for ME. I want to follow in the footsteps of The Netherlands; the homebirth capital of the world and one of the safest places to give birth due to their lack of unnecessary medical intervention.
Anyway, I hope you understand the logic and emotion behind my decision a little better. Comments are welcome.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Now or Later
I have been approached by a couple of people who suggest that instead of working and saving money for the Midwifery program I want to attend, I should just borrow the money so that my education will be complete much sooner. There are a few reasons that I am not in favor of this idea, and I'd like to explain them. If you have any further comments or suggestions about how I might improve my plans, feel free.
First, the cost of the program I mentioned was a modest estimate and only included the academic training. It would be around $3,000 for three months of training in Boise plus room and board. The trouble is that there will still be various expenses while I am there. I will have to pay for transportation to and from Boise, continue paying my cell phone bill, any group activities, etc. Also, I will have to complete my education with an internship. I did not mention this added cost in the previous post. The option I would like is interning at a Missionary Birth Center in the Philippines. This is $2,000 per month and takes approx. three months. Room and board is provided, but I will need some extra cash and will have to pay for my plane tickets, as well as any travel vaccinations I will need. I do not currently have health insurance and I will need about 5 vaccines.
My other reason, which is less related to money, is that once I become a Certified Professional Midwife I will most likely relocate. CPMs are not recognized in the state of Kentucky and practicing that kind of midwifery here will not pay the bills, especially for someone just starting out. I couldn't be a midwife while working another job, due to the unpredictable schedule of births. Waiting to go to midwifery school while I save money will allow me more time in Kentucky with family and friends. When I complete school and relocate, that will also have it's expenses since I will need to pay for a place to live, gas, phone, etc. When all of this is added together, it is far to much for me to borrow. Working at a job first may allow me to go to school for three months, then return to my previous job while saving up for the internship, then work again while saving up to move. Get the picture?
And last, but most importantly I feel that it is not God's plan for me to jump into this right away. I believe that I need to do some things in transition that will better prepare me for the road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers in the mean time and hope that I can get started on a job and saving money soon!
Here is a list of the states I will be able to move to and practice in when I am a Midwife: Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Minnesota, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin.
First, the cost of the program I mentioned was a modest estimate and only included the academic training. It would be around $3,000 for three months of training in Boise plus room and board. The trouble is that there will still be various expenses while I am there. I will have to pay for transportation to and from Boise, continue paying my cell phone bill, any group activities, etc. Also, I will have to complete my education with an internship. I did not mention this added cost in the previous post. The option I would like is interning at a Missionary Birth Center in the Philippines. This is $2,000 per month and takes approx. three months. Room and board is provided, but I will need some extra cash and will have to pay for my plane tickets, as well as any travel vaccinations I will need. I do not currently have health insurance and I will need about 5 vaccines.
My other reason, which is less related to money, is that once I become a Certified Professional Midwife I will most likely relocate. CPMs are not recognized in the state of Kentucky and practicing that kind of midwifery here will not pay the bills, especially for someone just starting out. I couldn't be a midwife while working another job, due to the unpredictable schedule of births. Waiting to go to midwifery school while I save money will allow me more time in Kentucky with family and friends. When I complete school and relocate, that will also have it's expenses since I will need to pay for a place to live, gas, phone, etc. When all of this is added together, it is far to much for me to borrow. Working at a job first may allow me to go to school for three months, then return to my previous job while saving up for the internship, then work again while saving up to move. Get the picture?
And last, but most importantly I feel that it is not God's plan for me to jump into this right away. I believe that I need to do some things in transition that will better prepare me for the road ahead. I would appreciate your prayers in the mean time and hope that I can get started on a job and saving money soon!
Here is a list of the states I will be able to move to and practice in when I am a Midwife: Alaska, Arkansas, Arizona, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Minnesota, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Night Owl
In bible study this week we discussed our "life work." It was pointed out that we are often trained in the work we will do. An example of this was Moses' upbringing in the Egyptian palace. He was more educated and prepared to be a leader than any of the Hebrews, so naturally he was chosen to lead them. I have thought about this in terms of my own life and "life work" as a natural health advocate and Midwife. I am not a midwife yet, but I believe that is was I was born to be. God created and trained me to help women transition into new mothers naturally and safely.
My whole life I have been a night owl. It would tend to blame this on my lack of a strict bedtime when I was younger, but this really only applied to weekends. On school days I was in bed promptly at 8:30 and woke up at 6. But even on those nights, I would lie in bed restless for hours. This isn't normal for young children. As I've gotten older is has become more troubling. It makes me dread a normal 9-5 work schedule and morning classes. Grannie and Grandad frequently comment on my poor sleeping habits. I have seen it as something that needs to be corrected. But does it?
When I really reflect on my time at night, I realize that I treasure it. Everyone else is in bed, the house in quiet and I get to enjoy some real alone time. This is often the only time of day I turn the television on. I watch my favorite show, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and the humor allows me to relax and unwind. This is also the time that I am most likely to pray, do yoga or meditate. I like to have more space to move than that which is available in my room, so at night I can have the whole living room to myself. I also get more cleaning, organizing, and reading done late at night.
In my profession as a Doula and then Midwife, this "training" will come in handy. Birth professionals must be ready to keep any and all hours. I have been to births that started in the evening and lasted through the night more often than I have been to births that required me to wake up between 7 and 10am. So I will no longer take with me the burden of guilt and inadequacy for my abnormal sleeping schedule. I will, instead, embrace my differences and try to use my time wisely.
My whole life I have been a night owl. It would tend to blame this on my lack of a strict bedtime when I was younger, but this really only applied to weekends. On school days I was in bed promptly at 8:30 and woke up at 6. But even on those nights, I would lie in bed restless for hours. This isn't normal for young children. As I've gotten older is has become more troubling. It makes me dread a normal 9-5 work schedule and morning classes. Grannie and Grandad frequently comment on my poor sleeping habits. I have seen it as something that needs to be corrected. But does it?
When I really reflect on my time at night, I realize that I treasure it. Everyone else is in bed, the house in quiet and I get to enjoy some real alone time. This is often the only time of day I turn the television on. I watch my favorite show, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, and the humor allows me to relax and unwind. This is also the time that I am most likely to pray, do yoga or meditate. I like to have more space to move than that which is available in my room, so at night I can have the whole living room to myself. I also get more cleaning, organizing, and reading done late at night.
In my profession as a Doula and then Midwife, this "training" will come in handy. Birth professionals must be ready to keep any and all hours. I have been to births that started in the evening and lasted through the night more often than I have been to births that required me to wake up between 7 and 10am. So I will no longer take with me the burden of guilt and inadequacy for my abnormal sleeping schedule. I will, instead, embrace my differences and try to use my time wisely.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My Path
So it's 3a.m. and I'm still awake, despite taking a prescription sleeping pill two hours ago. But as I lie in bed I continue to think of this blog that I've been meaning to write for the past week. So here goes. If I sound completely incoherent, it's probably the meds, and I'll have to edit tomorrow.
I have a vision of what my future looks like. I feel like I am called by God to go in a certain direction. This vision includes short and long terms goals. But I am aware that sometimes God leads us in one direction for a purpose, then leads you in another. So I am not going to go into details of my long-term vision, or even assume that the shorter terms is going to go as planned. I do, however, want to let you in on the general plan as of now. It will safe me the trouble of having to explain the reasons behind the choices I'm about to make. I would just like to ask one favor: Please don't harass me if you don't agree with my decisions. I have prayed about this and would prefer not to have to deal with peer pressure to go against what my heart has chosen.
I have always felt called to serve in the field of women and children's health, especially maternity care and natural health. My main goal is to become a midwife. Recently, I have been taking pre-nursing classes at EKU so that I may become a Certified Nurse-Midwife. However, I have recently decided that this is not the path for me. I feel like I should become a CPM (Certified Professional Midwife).
There are many different ways to go about this. Some taking years and some only months. The costs of the education starts at about $3,000 and goes up. Unfortunately, government financial aid is not available for most of those programs, and I don't want to take out a private loan. So my plan right now is to find a job (which I would appreciate prayers for) and gradually save enough money to pay the initial fee for the program I would like to do. I hope to live with my grandparents as long as possible so that I can save more money, and pay off some debts. But if I have to move out eventually I'm sure I will manage. It could take a couple of years for me to save enough for the program, in any case.
The program I would like to participate in is called Mercy In Action. It is a Christian program that trains midwives who will likely be working in the missionary field. The initial cost is $3,000, then clinicals are done at a missionary birth center in the Philippines, which you must also pay for. I can see missionary midwifery in my future, as well an alternative. Maybe I am supposed to do both, but at different times. We shall see. Anyway, you can learn more about Mercy In Action at www.mercyinaction.org.
Thanks for taking an interest, and I would appreciate any prayers for my future as well as finding a job now.
I have a vision of what my future looks like. I feel like I am called by God to go in a certain direction. This vision includes short and long terms goals. But I am aware that sometimes God leads us in one direction for a purpose, then leads you in another. So I am not going to go into details of my long-term vision, or even assume that the shorter terms is going to go as planned. I do, however, want to let you in on the general plan as of now. It will safe me the trouble of having to explain the reasons behind the choices I'm about to make. I would just like to ask one favor: Please don't harass me if you don't agree with my decisions. I have prayed about this and would prefer not to have to deal with peer pressure to go against what my heart has chosen.
I have always felt called to serve in the field of women and children's health, especially maternity care and natural health. My main goal is to become a midwife. Recently, I have been taking pre-nursing classes at EKU so that I may become a Certified Nurse-Midwife. However, I have recently decided that this is not the path for me. I feel like I should become a CPM (Certified Professional Midwife).
There are many different ways to go about this. Some taking years and some only months. The costs of the education starts at about $3,000 and goes up. Unfortunately, government financial aid is not available for most of those programs, and I don't want to take out a private loan. So my plan right now is to find a job (which I would appreciate prayers for) and gradually save enough money to pay the initial fee for the program I would like to do. I hope to live with my grandparents as long as possible so that I can save more money, and pay off some debts. But if I have to move out eventually I'm sure I will manage. It could take a couple of years for me to save enough for the program, in any case.
The program I would like to participate in is called Mercy In Action. It is a Christian program that trains midwives who will likely be working in the missionary field. The initial cost is $3,000, then clinicals are done at a missionary birth center in the Philippines, which you must also pay for. I can see missionary midwifery in my future, as well an alternative. Maybe I am supposed to do both, but at different times. We shall see. Anyway, you can learn more about Mercy In Action at www.mercyinaction.org.
Thanks for taking an interest, and I would appreciate any prayers for my future as well as finding a job now.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My Twelve Steps
As a natural health advocate there are areas in my life where I know I need to apply some of my knowledge. I have a wide range of “medical” issues that are not serious, but only inconvenient and irritating. Most, if not all, of these could be greatly alleviated by several lifestyle changes. However, just thinking of all the steps I would need to take makes me feel greatly overwhelmed. So, since I’m a woman who likes to organize her thoughts in writing and using lists, I’m going to make a list of those changes. Then, I am going to TRY to embrace the concept of baby steps. This is very difficult because I want to do everything at once. Making a minor change is going to make me feel unproductive and impatient. However, doing nothing because I feel so overwhelmed is even less productive. So I will try to have an attitude of acceptance and patience with myself and add only one step at a time. And since it takes 21 days to make something routine, and for your body to adjust to dietary changes and free itself of addictions, I will try to be patient for 21 whole days before considering taking another step.
Steps. Not in any particular order:
My first step is to walk/run regularly. I will start with walking. Anyone who wants to give me a call and go walking with me, feel free! Motivation is key! I also love to hike!
My next blog will be about WHY each of these steps are important, and how they effect our overall health, and my health issues in particular, which some of you may share. I will also pin down the order in which I plan to undertake these steps. The entire process could take nearly a year. And who knows how many times I may fall off the wagon.
I could use your support. If anyone wants to undertake this process with me, you would be welcome. Perhaps we could have support meetings. Haha.
Steps. Not in any particular order:
- Walk/run regularly (daily? Three times a week?)
- Do yoga daily
- Pray/Meditate daily
- Stop drinking caffeine
- Get on a regular sleep schedule
- Take Eletherococcus Solid extract daily for adrenal fatigue (temporary)
- Eat fruit for breakfast daily
- Eliminate soda and sweet tea
- Eat one cruciferous vegetable per day
- Take EFA (essential fatty acid) supplement daily
- Increase water intake
- Increase fiber intake through vegetables and whole grains
My first step is to walk/run regularly. I will start with walking. Anyone who wants to give me a call and go walking with me, feel free! Motivation is key! I also love to hike!
My next blog will be about WHY each of these steps are important, and how they effect our overall health, and my health issues in particular, which some of you may share. I will also pin down the order in which I plan to undertake these steps. The entire process could take nearly a year. And who knows how many times I may fall off the wagon.
I could use your support. If anyone wants to undertake this process with me, you would be welcome. Perhaps we could have support meetings. Haha.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
At EKU Once Again . . .
So I haven't posted in a WHILE. But Lucy is starting to blog again, and I often feel guilty about not updating my wellness blog, so I'm going to make more of an effort. Was that a run-on sentence?
I back at EKU (home? or black hole?) again. As I walk around campus I feel nostalgic and comfortable. I have decided to attend there instead of Bluegrass because the Nursing program does offer a two-year RN option and I will save lots of gas not driving to Lexington. I initially thought EKU's only RN option was 4 years.
I'm spending all but one class in the Moore Science building this semester. Not the place I would have chosen to take most of my time. Science has never been my strong point. Although Ellen, Lucy's mother, made a very good point the other day. It may not be that I struggle with science, but that I find so many other things easy. Therefor, I actually have to study to get an A in my science classes. I'm trying to adjust to that prospect. Right now I have a Chemistry teacher who knows her chemistry but doesn't know how to teach it, so I'm relying on 100% self-study for that. But my physiology class, which I thought would be harder, has a GREAT teacher who makes the concepts seem simple. I'm actually enjoying it. Okay, enough about science.
I back at EKU (home? or black hole?) again. As I walk around campus I feel nostalgic and comfortable. I have decided to attend there instead of Bluegrass because the Nursing program does offer a two-year RN option and I will save lots of gas not driving to Lexington. I initially thought EKU's only RN option was 4 years.
I'm spending all but one class in the Moore Science building this semester. Not the place I would have chosen to take most of my time. Science has never been my strong point. Although Ellen, Lucy's mother, made a very good point the other day. It may not be that I struggle with science, but that I find so many other things easy. Therefor, I actually have to study to get an A in my science classes. I'm trying to adjust to that prospect. Right now I have a Chemistry teacher who knows her chemistry but doesn't know how to teach it, so I'm relying on 100% self-study for that. But my physiology class, which I thought would be harder, has a GREAT teacher who makes the concepts seem simple. I'm actually enjoying it. Okay, enough about science.
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